The Truth About Jacob and Edward
by GoddessofMadness
Summary: Total crackfic. We were high off sugar. Our little present to all the Edward and Jacob fangirls. Co-written by myself and my best friend. Decided to change my name. I was once JakesGirl2010.


The Truth about Jacob and Edward

DISCLAIMER: A) We don't own any of the Twilight series. B) You have been warned.

~Jacob~

Jacob sat wallowing in self pity over the fact that he couldn't have the plain, boring Bella Swan. So, instead, he gets to screw an awkward half human, half vampire crossbreed. He looked up and around as he heard a small _pop_.

In front of him stood a shabbily dressed man with scars across his face and a boy about the age of fifteen with white blonde hair and a pointy face.

"Who are you two?" Jacob asked.

The two looked at each other and back at Jacob. "We," said the younger in a stuck up tone of voice. "Are here to put an end to all of this nonsense."

"What are you talking about?" Jacob asked, dumbfounded.

The older of the two stepped forward. "You are a 'werewolf,' correct?" The man used air quotes around the word werewolf.

Jacob looked stunned; how could these two strangers find out his secret? "H-How do you know about that?"

The two looked at each other once more and back at Jacob again. In a monotone voice, they said in unison, "The fangirls."

"What's wrong with them? They're nice." Jacob said, offended.

The older looked exhasperated while the younger rolled his silver eyes. "They may be nice," the older said in a scholar like tone.

"But they get so _annoying_!" The younger whined, cutting off his elder.

The older man glared at the boy and continued. "Look, we're just here to help clarify the situation."

"Clarify what situation?" Jacob asked, still dumbfounded.

The older man pinched the bridge of his nose, clearly aggitated. "Do you change during the full moon?"

Jacob blinked. "No."

"Does silver hurt you?" The boy piped up.

"No," Jacob said again, confused. What were these two weirdos getting at?

The man started to get angry. Flinging his arms in the air he screamed, "If you bite someone, do they turn into werewolves, as well?"

Jacob laughed, "No! What do I look like? A vampire?"

The boy got into Jacob's face. "Are vampires even your enemies? Or do you suddenly call off a treaty over some weird half-breed?"

Jacob started fuming. "DON'T MAKE FUN OF NESSIE!"

The boy looked around, confused. "The Loch Ness monster? Why would I make fun of her? She gave me a ride on her back when I was a kid! She's a kind, gentle creature! We were talking about your half human, half vampire child!"

The man walked up to Jacob and put a hand on his heated shoulder. "Look kid, you're not a werewolf...You're just a glorified puppy dog."

Jacob couldn't contain his rage any longer. He allowed his body to shift into his wolf form. He stood there, growling at the strangers.

The man looked at the boy, "Come on, we should leave, we've done what we came to do." The man walked up to the boy, holding his arm out.

The boy walked up to Jacob, patted him on the head, and scratched his ears. "Bye, doggie. Now, _stay_!" Laughing, the boy grabbed the man's arm, and they vanished with a _pop_.

~Edward~

Edward sighed, his annoying wife was out hunting while his freaky daughter took a nap. Edward decided to stay behind like the whipped pansy that he is to watch his kid.

Suddenly, he sat straight up and strained his freaky vampire hearing. He had heard something strange. It sounded like a faint _pop_. He walked outside at vampire speed. Outside, were two strangers.

One man was tall with a curtain of greasy black hair around his face and a huge beak of a nose. The other man was shorter with messy black hair, bright green eyes that were slightly hidden behind wire-rimmed glasses, and, a...lightening bolt...scar. _Uh oh,_ Edward thought.

The boy looked at him and gasped. "Cedric? You're alive!?"

"Umm...Hi, Harry. Er...Professor." Edward scratched the back of his head, clearly uncomfortable.

"How is this possible!?" The boy asked. "I saw you get hit with the killing curse!"

Edward glared at him. "What's wrong? Mad you're not the only 'Boy Who Lived'?"

The boy's eye twitched. "I could care less about that! I'm mad at all of the money I wasted on therapy!"

The greasy man cleared his throat. Both boys stopped arguing. "Potter, get back to the task at hand."

"Er...right, sorry." The boy smiled, contritely. "Ok, Cedric, how are you still alive?"

"It's not Cedric, anymore. It's _Edward_," Edward ground out through clenched teeth.

The boy looked at the man and mouthed, "_He's lost it!_" The boy turned back to Edward and said, "Alright, Ce...Edward. How are you still alive?"

Edward sighed. "After the curse hit me, a guy named Carlisle found me and bit me."

The man rolled his eyes. "What does that have to do with anything, Diggory?"

"It's Cullen. And it has everything to do with it. I'm what I am because he bit me."

The boy and the man exchanged a look. "Alright..." the boy hedged. "We'll bite; what are you?"

Edward stared at them. "I'm a vampire."

The man stared at Edward. "No, you're not."

"Yes, I am," Edward said, annoyed.

"Do you need to be invited inside a home before you can enter," the boy asked.

"No."

"Does garlic repel you," the man questioned.

"No." Edward was confused. He felt like he was being questioned by Bella all over again...only these two could form a coherent sentence.

"Are werewolves your enemies?" The boy asked, clearly confused as to how Edward was a vampire.

"Not anymore." Edward said, innocently.

"Do you burn when you're in sunlight?" the man asked after a moment of contemplative silence.

Edward started laughing. "Of course not! I _sparkle_!"

The man asked, completely confounded, "Then _how _are you a vampire?"

"Well, I'm super fast," Edward stated, proudly.

The boy looked at the man, nodded, and looked back at Edward. "You've been given steroids."

Edward blinked. "I'm super strong."

"Again," the man said. "Steroids."

"I sparkle in the sun."

The boy laughed. "So somebody threw a bunch of body glitter on you!"

Edward was mad now and stomped his foot. "But I need blood to survive!"

The man shrugged. "So, you're in a cult! They always do odd things!"

With one final look at Edward, the man grabbed the boy's shoulder and they vanished with a pop.

~Both~

Jacob ran to the Cullen's house as fast as he could. He saw Edward standing outside. Transforming behind a tree and pulling his sweat pants on, he walked up to Edward.

"You'll never guess what happened to me!" Jacob stated, shocked.

Edward stared at Jacob blankly. "Two weird guys appeared with a pop and asked you a bunch of odd questions?"

Jacob nodded frantically. "Yeah! How'd you know?"

Edward rolled his eyes. "First, I read it in your mind. Second, the same thing just happened to me."

Suddenly, they heard two pops. Turning around, they saw the strangers that questioned them.

The scarred man stepped forward, "I'm sorry about what happened, Jacob, but it had to be done. You're a disgrace to werewolves."

The blonde nodded and pulled a dog treat out of his pocket. "Yeah, but, since you were a good boy, I brought you a treat!" He then threw the treat to Jacob, who caught it.

The greasy man hit the blonde upside the head. "Enough, Draco."

The black haired boy stepped forward. "I'm sorry about you getting killed and all, Edward. But, you know." He shrugged.

Draco rolled his eyes. "Way to be sensitive, Scar-Head."

Harry glared. "Shove off, Ferrett Face!"

The two men looked at each other and shook their heads. The scarred man walked up to Harry and dragged him away by the ear. "OUCH!" Harry protested. "That hurts, Remus!" They vanished with a pop.

Draco started laughing but stopped as he felt himself be dragged away by his arm. "Hey, that kind of hurts, Uncle Severus!"

Severus glanced at Draco from the corner of his eye. "Yes, well, the sting in your arm will be nothing to the sting in your backside once we get back to Hogwarts." Draco paled, then, they both disappeared with a pop.

Jacob and Edward stood there, utterly at a loss for words. "So..." Jacob started. "I'm a glorified puppy dog."

"And, apparantly I'm a part of a steroid using cult." Edward said, shocked.

The two looked at each other. "I knew it," they said in unison.

~The End~

A/N: We mean no offense to Stephenie Meyer. The books were good. We liked them _before_ they got uber popular. The movie was mediocre. This is a reality check to all those fangirls who try comparing Twilight to Harry Potter. REALITY CHECK: THEY ARE _**FICTIONAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_ There is no Team Edward, no Team Jacob, no Team Harry, no Team Draco, no Team Remus, and no Team Severus. There is, however, Team Reality, because in real life, boys who sparkle don't like girls all that much, and most hot guys don't turn into dogs, they are dogs.


End file.
